Thoughts on Loneliness

I like to surround myself with people all the time. I do not like being alone. Even if whoever it is I am around, if we do not talk or say anything at all, just nice to know that someone is there with you. Maybe it is because I am from a huge family, we never really had the opportunity to be alone, or maybe it is just my personality. And with my job now, I seldom if ever have alone time. I still have my time with God, but that isnt really alone time, He is still there. I had to go to Los Angeles for a conference last month. Going to LA for this Dakota boy was quit the experience. I had no clue that so many people could live in such close areas. (BTW the Hollywood sign = DISAPPOINTMENT)

I was able to stay with some very good friends of mine but I only got to see them EARY in the morning when they dropped me off at the convention center, or LATE at night when they had to come get me after it was all over.

I am at this HUGE center and there are people all around. TONS of people. It was actually a bit overwhelming. As I was sitting there waiting for the next session to begin I got this really not so fun feeling inside of me. It was in the pit of my stomach. I went to this conference for a few things. The main was to grow spiritually, but the other was to really learn more and get reminded as to why I am a youth pastor. Well this feeling was not going away and I didnt like it at all. I have never felt this before. I went to get some food, and while I was sitting there eating watching all the people who have come to this together, it hit me. I was lonely. How on earth can you leave small life North Dakota and go to LA where there are more people then I have ever seen in my life and possibly feel lonely? I tried to shrug it off but the longer the day went the worse the feeling was. I had all these people around me, more then I have ever been around in my life probably. And yet I was lonely. I would go to the sessions and PRAY that someone would sit by me who actually wanted to talk. At one point, I was at the night session and I found my seat. It was normally VERY packed, and I wanted to get their early so I was not way in the back again. I found a whole row in the middle that was open so I decided I was going to sit half way through it so people would have to sit by me. A group came and asked if the open seats were taken and I said no. So more and more people started coming. A guy sat down and asked if the 5 chairs to my left were open. I said yes and he sat down right by me and saved the other 4. Well he had some other friends come and looked at me and said, "Oh Im sorry, I was saving these, can you please move." ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

At first I thought I was going to just stand my ground and stay there. I thought I paid just as much as you did to come to this. But then, I realized that it would be awkward for us all through the session if I stayed. So with that every so holy Jesus smile I said, "Im sorry, no problem." Once again feeling lonely.

That night the speaker was really good. I cant totally remember what he all spoke on, but God really spoke to me. I realized that I was not at all relying on Him like I should be. I make myself so busy that I dont really have time to focus on God. I tell all my students and friends that God is always there, and that we should make time for Him, but was I living that. Not at all. It was like He was telling me, "Scot, dude, this is the feeling I have when you ignore me. I have all the people in the world to be around, but I want to be with you." HUGE wake up call. I did some major soul searching and praying that night. The next night I decided that I was going to be with people. I wanted to really worship in the service and just enjoy the last evening of the conference. I went all the way up to the third row. Found a row of empty seats and prayed that I would get to stay there. I sat down and shortly after that a guy came up to me and asked if the open seats were taken. "No, how many do you need?" Just the one he said, he was there alone as well. Then two other people came up and asked for seats, they were also alone. So a group of us loners had a great night of worship. The speaker and music was fantastic. I learned what it was to feel alone. Glad that I have a God that says I dont EVER have to feel that way.

~Learning as I go~

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Been A While

I know I have not posted in LONG time. My mind is going nuts so I will again soon.

been a while

Have not posted in a LONG time. Really tired and taking tomorrow off...so until next time enjoy a few pics.......

Go till you get a no.....

I am one of those people who want a lot of things. And when I get my mind set on something I will talk about it and bug people until I finally get it. Drives my poor wife crazy. It becomes this obsession with me. It is all I can think about, all I want to think about. I will search the Internet over and over and find out everything that I possibly can about what ever it is that I am obsessed with. And most of the time is it something that I don't need, and that I can totally live with out, but of course at this time I don't see it that way. I need it and I will complain and act like the biggest baby till I get one. And most of the time my wife finally caves and I get what I want, or something newer and cooler comes up and that then become my new obsession. The last thing that it was, and still kind of is was a dog. I am a HUGE dog person. You talk to me long enough and you will know that. Or just get on my facebook and at least once a week it will say....I WANT A DOG.....
Anyway, we had a great Golden Retriever. His name was Toby and he was the perfect dog. He did shed a lot but over all he was the perfect dog. As he got older he developed food allergies. So we were paying 50 bucks for a 25 lbs of dog food. A full grown golden will eat that and part of another bag in a month. So we were spending $100 dollars a month on food alone. We found out that we were pregnant with Miss Ella and realized that we just could not afford buying that food and also getting ready to have a baby. So I had to make the tough horrible decision of finding him a new home, either that or feeding him normal food and letting all his hair fall out. Found him a great home, they knew about the food thing and still wanted to take him. It was the end of the world in my eyes. Yes I was excited about having a baby but come on this was my dog...my other baby...so I cried like a huge baby over a dog. Now my dear sweet wife promised me that we would get another Golden as soon as we could. And I talked and talked about getting another dog for 2 years. I mean obsessed over it. Crystal kept saying be patient, the right dog will come along with time. Now those of you who have gotten to know me know that I am not at all a detailed person, nor am I a planner. We find out we are pregnant with baby number two. And as soon as we find out of course I was excited but I thought...this is not going to slow down me getting a dog. We get called to come up here, get into our house, and I realize that we have this HUGE back yard, and figure it is time to get a dog. Now like I said we are Golden Retriever people. That is both of our favorite breed. And my mom has one that she breeds, and said we can have a puppy for free. So I am thinking...sweet we are totally set. As soon as her dog has pups I will go pick one out and there ya have it. But then I get to talking to my mom and realize that she wont go into heat for at least another six months. Now when you have been waiting for something for 2 years, and you finally realize you can get it, 6 months feels like 2 years again. So being the ever so wise father and hubby that I am I find a dog on the Internet that is not to expensive, smaller, doesn't shed, and it great with kids. And she was a pretty cute puppy. So against Crystal's wishes, she said I could but it was the, “Yes you can but you are not thinking clearly and we will regret this,” I pick put my puppy. So I find this cute little cockapoo in Minot and we, or I decide that this is the dog for us. Mind you Crystal was still pregnant with Morgan. Yeah husband of the year I am. We bring her home and she is the cutest little thing, Small, black and brown. So I name her Mocha. Now the whole time I had her I kept comparing her to Toby the golden I had. And she really wasn't filling the dog shoes that I wanted her too. But she was my dog and I loved her anyway. We became pretty close. She would sleep on the couch with me when I would take naps. We would go on walks...rough house. Even Miss Ella would carry her around and she wouldn't do much. Well I notice that she is starting to get the little dog attitude. You know...the I'm the boss so watch out. One day at work I get a call from my wife and she sounds a little shook up. I'm like babe whats wrong, and she tells me that this wonderful little dog showed her teeth to her and nipped at her while she was trying to put her in the kennel. Of course I'm thinking...yeah right Mocha wouldn't do that. I just say well lets keep an eye on her and see if she does it again. Inside I knew we should not have gotten her, but “I needed a dog” remember. Well I was home one afternoon and we were getting ready to go out and I told Crystal to put Mocha in her kennel and I saw with my own eyes the devilish dog show her teeth. Well that was the end of that....cant have a dog in my house who is like that with 2 little kids. So we found a home for her and we are yet again with out a dog. So now whenever I am on line looking at dogs, Crystal just has to say...”MOCHA” and she starts to explain why we WILL wait for a dog. And then I remember why I need to be patient for once in my life. (but I will have one soon..!) In James 1:17 it says Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven.
Now I tell that story to explain we sometimes have ideas of our own on what to do with our life. We have it all planned out. What we are going to do where we are going to live. Sometimes God has other ideas for us.


Jeremiah 29:11-14
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you wont be disappointed.

I love in that verse where is says...”plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the FUTURE YOU HOPE FOR.” It does not say the future you want, but the future you HOPE for. God knows what it is we truly hope for. He is not going to disappoint us. So even if we have it all figured out, He might have other plans for us, and they are so much more then what we think it is that we want. Some of you are wondering about many things in your life and future. Why did this happen? Or, Why is this happening to me? Why did we break up? What is your call for me God? I have good news for you guys. God already has it planned out. You just need to have faith and follow. Seek Him and see where it takes you.

One of the hardest things for me when I was getting close to graduation in college was what to do with my life. I heard the verse I just read about knowing the plans I have for you and all that. I understood that, but wish that God would hurry up and pass on that info to me. “If you know it all God, then why are you not telling me?” I would get so annoyed. I asked my self all the questions you guys have asked or will ask. Who should I marry? where should I move? what job should I do? What are you calling me to do? I didn't have any direction. I'm going to tell you guys something now that I wish I would have heard and learned back then. It would have saved me a TON of stress on both me and Crystal.
I went to our board retreat a while back and we listened to Erwin McManus who is the author of Chasing Daylight. And he had lots to say about life. But the thing that hit me the most and I wish I would have known it 5 years ago when I graduated was this:
“You go unless you get a no...not wait for a call. Last thing Jesus said was go. You keep going until God says stop. Do whatever, just DO, and watch how God will lead you. If we are truly following, we will go where God wants us to go. He wont let us go where He doesn't want us to go. To often WE try to find out God's call for us, rather than just doing what He wants.

~Learning as I Go~
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No sleep

So we have two nights left of vacation before we head back home. This has been a great little break away from everything. I didnt NEED a vacation in the form of being overly worked and just worn out, but it has been a much needed rest that I didnt know I needed. It has been great seeing my wife's family. Miss Ella has loved playing with her cousin and being spoiled by everyone. It has been pretty funny to watch her interact with another girl her age who is also use to getting all the attention. For the most part they get a long very well but there have been a few moments when I think they didnt know what to do or think so they just smacked or yelled or whatever they could. A very good learning experience for them both I think. But today I took a LONG LONG nap and now I cant sleep so I am trying to figure out how to make this blog look more me. I do not like the backgrounds they give us. I want a more personalized one. So if anyone has any ideas let me know. And not the cute blog site...cute is nice...but I am a dude so I dont want those...haha...Liz..yours looks great though..wink.
So if anyone knows how let me know. I just made a very cool on on my new computer. My brother in law sold me his old laptop so I am not a mac boy. LOVE IT. And it has a site to make one so I did, put lots of time into it...make it look SO SO cool...and then hit publish...YOU HAVE TO PAY. So now I will stay up all night looking for a new idea and watching Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel.

~Learning As I Go~
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She Wants to be just like US!!!

Due to the crazy North Dakota weather, and the wonderful blizzard we are having here right now on MARCH 10th, I was able to work at home this afternoon. And I did get a lot done but there were a few distractions. Miss Ella being the few distractions. I cant complain however, because we did have a great time. It made me think back to when I was little and I use to go to the church on days we didnt have school and be with my dad as he worked or if for some reason he worked from home. I would want to do whatever it was that he was doing, I normally got bored with that pretty fast and played with all the toy tractors he had in his office, that is after I raided his gum ball machine. Anyway, today Miss Ella wanted to be right there at the table with me. So I gave her a notebook and she was writing her "sermon" while I was doing some reading and journaling. It was quit cute and very distracting, but so fun just the same. And it got me thinking about how as parents of kids this young we have to really watch what we do. They want to be just like us. So in turn I want to be just like Him. I want to mimick Jesus as best I can, because Miss Ella is mimicking everything that I do. So I need to be that example for her. Have her learn now at a young age. Crazy how much 2 little girls totally changes your life. Oh and this pic is not of today working...just a cute pic I thought I would share..

~Learning as I go~
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Need God Book....

At night when we get ready to put Miss Ella to bed, we read to her part of her bible. And now it is so cute...when you ask her what it is called she calls her bible "the need God book."
Seriously....how cute and smart are kids?

~Learning As I Go~
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Find them Jesus like you found me...

The other night I was rocking Mak, hoping that she would fall asleep soon so we could all get some much needed sleep. And she was in that stage where she was almost asleep but not quite. When she gets to that point and we are both very much relaxed I pray for both my girls and my sweet wife. Well I was praying specifically that Jesus would find them like He found me at such a young age, and that in return they would find Him back. It is one of those things that you can't help but worry about. All the "what-ifs" and what is more annoying about that is as much as you want to enjoy them the "what-ifs" are in the back of your head. It is one of those things. When I was younger I hated when people would say, "I wish Jesus would hurry up and come back." I always thought, "How sad, these people must be miserable in life to want it all to end." But I don't think that is what they were saying. I now LOVE life. I love my job, my family, everything. Sure I get annoyed from time to time but then who doesn't? I am now one of those people that say, "I wish Jesus would come back soon." And I love my life. I do. I want to see my kids grow up. I want to see them get married and have kids. I would love that. But I would LOVE even more to be in heaven where let's be honest... that is the goal of every Christian, to get to heaven and bring as many people there with us. As I was rocking little Mak to sleep, I couldn't help but think about how great it will be. And how much love our Heavenly Father has for us. I mean can you imagine? Sending your son down here to die for us. I would NEVER put my kids in that situation. Yet He did it willingly. And then Mary, raising Him knowing that He was sent here to save the world. Blows me away. Shows us what love really is. And I am excited for my girls to learn that. So I will keep praying, find them Jesus....like you found Me.

~Learning As I Go~
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OUCH...

So I started working out again. I am sick of being fat. Ok not fat but not where I want to be either and i feel like a slug. So a guy from our church who is on the college football team decided that he was going to help me get into shape. Ok so I had no idea how hard football players worked out. It wasnt a long hard work out i thought until this morning...and I am so sore I cant pick my nose even if I wanted to. I have never not been able to move like this..so here is to day one.....
Everyone says it will be worth it in the end...it better be...haha.

~Learning As I Go~
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Fun with Snow...

We are having one heck of a winter...more snow than we have ever seen. Of course our first year in Dakota would be one of the most crazy winters ever. It has been so cold that we cant play out in it much. I know, what is the good of snow if you cant go out and play in it. Well one day we were able to go out and Miss Ella and Mocha had a blast on the sled. So here is just one picture. And yes Mocha is wearing a sweater and everyone who knows me knows I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DRESS THEIR DOGS...but she was shaved and it was COLD. So we had too.....
Anyway, enjoy the pic....

~Learning As I Go~
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Bed Time Fun

Miss Ella is going to be two years old in a few weeks. Which is depressing for this dad who wants his daughter to stay a baby forever. Crystal and I are really trying to figure out how to instill in her life God and values. True she is not yet two, but never to early to teach her morals and values. When she was dedicated the church gave us a picture story bible, which is something she looks at all the time. Crystal has already had to repair it a few times. So now before bed, we all crawl on her bed and read her a bible story, pray and kiss her good night. True right now she still cries when we say good night but it is getting to be a shorter and shorter cry every night. And it has been so fun to start this. Just us three. Morgan is already sleeping at that time for a bit. So Miss Ella gets her mom and dad all to her self. Important for us all. These are memories that I am excited to be making. And it is fun to watch Miss Ella as we read the bible and actually know what we are talking about. Very fun. God is good to us.

~Learning As I Go~
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